May 2002 - January 2003





violently ever after

lashes received
for unknown indiscretions
hit me again
right across the cheekbone
      (because you know
       how much that
        h u r t s)
the heat of your lips
against my neck
the sting of your nails
raking across my shoulder blades
and you pushmedirtymefuckme
and find me on your doorstep
begging for another taste of you
make
me
shiver
I'm sorry that I bled
so much on your sheets
I'll buy you new ones
if you promise
you'll let me come inside
if you promise
that you'll make me cry
you never could get it right
your fingers wrapped around my wrists
I could easier
escape shackles
your fingers wrapped around my lips
I could easier
love you more
you press me into the moist heat
of your bed
rough kisses against my innocent skin
make
me
want it
you surround me in your violent charm
you growl that no one should see the scars
      (especially the one
       on my back
        that spells
          your name)
I'll call you in the morning?


shades of hell

glinting finger flicker
hazy regret
fastfastfast
glass shatter open lung
fleshbleed
earthscar
(breathe
      out)
blinded bloodied
beat me right again
s l o w
      (breathe
in)
mechanical medical sterility
this
is
h e l l
painted in shades of white
this
is
h e a v e n
painted in shades of hell
dirty vein
load me up
beat me right again
(breathe)


music down the hall

sidewalk crooked
brokendelapidatedold
forsaken bubble wand
alone in the strange twilight
of this life
and can you hear
the music from down the hall?
can you feel
the lives in other rooms?
little girl's runnin' away again
not even the willows
could keep her this time
not even the mockingbirds
could stop her this time
she was never
quite
right
they grow old fast
on scarred concrete
and it's nothing we've not seen before
little girl gone


the charmer

she smiles big-like.
and she's so damn pretty.
she'll hug you like she means it,
she'll look you in the face
when she says your name.
but she's cryin' at 2 a.m. on a school night
for reasons she can't bring herself to say
or even think about.
and while she tells me drivecareful,
takecare,
begood,
she's hunkered behind the shelters
of I'mtoostrong,
I'mindependent,
Idon'tcry.
and she's dyin' at 6 a.m. on a summer night.
she'd be so fucking beautiful
if I could only see all of her at once.
she's a strong girl.
she's a sure girl.
she's a shattered girl.
she's lyin' at 12:20 p.m. on a Tuesday.
and maybe she's just too goddamn pent-up,
too goddamn proud.
but she smiles big-like,
and she'll charm you
when she says your name.
it's 3 a.m. on a week night
and I'm not there.


the forgotten

swallow your pride.
swallow your pills.
you are the forgotten
in this place that kills.
I'm wrong
but I'm sorry.
I'm dead
but it's real.
it seems these days I can't remember
exactly how to feel.
I know I've broken
some things between
here
      and
           there.
I know I've bruised
some things between
           you
      and
me.
but this ain't over, baby.
it won't end this way.
it's a little bent, maybe.
but we've not gone too far astray.
I'll swallow my pride.
I'll swallow your pills.
I am the forgotten
in this place that kills.


american beast

bare(white)knuckled.
darkscarred.
I bleed pariah
through the halfmoons
on my palms.
raging revolution
underneath my skin.
violent upheaval
against the powers that be (being) (been).
this
American
girl.
harrowing cry
of (dis)banded soldiers(savages).
war paint
face paint
of dead and dying
inner saints.
this
American
dirty.
she's shattering the windows
of this prison.
she's burning the doors
of this pain.
she's building a peace
of love and broken glass.
she's building a love
of glass and broken peace.
this
American
beast.


all we'll ever be

don't let go yet.
I'm not done with this
somber embrace
that defines everything
we'll
ever
be.
this bodytobody
soultosoul
unkissing kiss.

a door was found,
a path taken (forged).
you warned me
that I'd lose myself.
but
I

- n e v e r -

listen.
do I?

and I'll spend the day (night)
smelling of our love
smelling of our hope.
and I love you
more
than
you know (believe).
and I need you
more
than
you see (feel).

you keep askin'
and I keep sayin'
there'snothin'wrong.
but
you

- n e v e r -

listen.
do you?

between the doors,
the smoke,
the mirrors,
and the don'tfuckinglietome's,
I found you.
don't you let me go (fade).
don't you dare
let
me








go.
causethisisallwe'lleverbe.


city of the broken

downtown of the tall city.
empty buildings left
to gape in their loneliness,
to revel in the exquisite pain
of the memories of their onceuponatime occupants:
the jaded men
in faded ties,
who puttered endlessly in their worn loafers,
cussing at newfangled fax machines.
they'd nail their crosses to the walls
to prove that they could go higher
than the highest floor of this forsaken building,
if they held their shoulders just right.
and those buildings rule over the paved desert
in their empty strength,
their hollow grandeur,
weathering the wind like broken soldiers.

weekend in the small city.
wondering how many busts I'll hear about Monday.
and it seems all the pretty little christians
look the same in this hazy light,
with their joints in one hand
and their empty bottle o' Jack on the floor.
they should just put their bottle caps and broken glass
in the collection plate
to signify all their holy acts.
all the jesusjunkies,
singin' praises in their slurred voices.
pointin' me on my path to hell
that they're sure I'll follow
because it's paved in the love
they don't care to comprehend.
they don't know how to live,
these fading children,
these dire disciples in their induced happiness.
where could they go from here?
they smile on Fridays
pull out of the school parkinglot
and go off to die.

school day in the stalled city.
I wonder how many have been stifled here,
how many have choked to death in these stuffy halls,
their souls left to haunt the bathroom stalls
whose doors never did lock.
kids are all slouchy,
bent from the weight of backpacks
and the deafening echo
of teen angst.
teachers leer, lurk, lurch.
everyday living their personal hells,
lined with gradebooks and red pen.
they all try to be a little contagious
when an authentic dares bare her teeth.
the lockers are dented,
the windows broken,
the tile floors uneven
and marked with the passings of so much life
and so much death.
they tried to cover the bullet holes
but we all know they're there.

the dirty girl in the walled city.
she misses the rain most of all.
she'll walk in the deserted park
with its low droopy willows
that remind her of better places than here.
it's not enough
to live in this place.
it's not enough
to love in this place.
and none but the weak shall return.
beyond the barbwire and tumbleweeds,
there's somethin' else.
this ain't the end, little girl.
she lives at the edge
of the tallsmallstalledwalled city.
she's one of the few
who've seen the other side.
this place
with its high proud claims
will never
be enough.


yellow

the beginning and ending
of another day
another life
spent in this bed
(I haven't the will
to rise from this yellow hell)
and it's all in a day's work
for someone as dirty as I've become
from here it all looks a little stained
a little strained
a little pained
but maybe that's where this dark
is leading me
a loud life
in a silent room
I guess it's all just lovelosslovelustloveless
twisted lover such as this
but, hey, it's okay
we're all a little broken in a certain sun
just another girl with scars
(perhaps I've grown accustomed
to this yellow hell)
a silent death
in a loud world


wrong by you

phones keep ringing
but no one's home
or they're not picking up
hiding somewhere from the insane shrieking
that is my primal mechanical call
and I wonder where you are
but I'm sorry I make things
so damn hard
and I'm sorry I can't get it right
I never meant
to do wrong by you
if you could forgive me
if I could be forgiven
I'm sorry I'm so shallow
brokenbruisedbleeding
I'm sorry
that I'm sorry
and I hate all the little nothings
that I add up to
or perhaps that add up to me
and I hate myself for hating myself
I'm sorry for screaming
sorry for crying
sorry for bleeding
and sorry for dying
but if you could please forgive me
if you could please outlive me
I'm sorry I'm so jaded
broken and breaking
I'm sorry I'm so faded
loaded and faking
I never meant
to do wrong by you


smoke and sawdust

the lights shine down
upon your jaded, rickety wooden stage,
obnoxious in their painful clarity
that exposes rather than illuminates you.
and I'm standin' on tiptoe
at the edge of the greyblue crowd
watchin' the sweat bead on your forehead
as you dance across the wooden slats.
and I'm counting the lines of strain
around your fixed lopsided smile.
my hair smells like smoke and sawdust,
and everyone hears the music
except you and me, kid.
it's awfully cold standin' here,
like nobody has blood but me.
but I know I'm not the one you're dancin' for.
and they'll throw their coins to you
like seeds to an emaciated pigeon.
and you'll take your pseudogracious little bow
if this night ever ends,
if this grey ever fades.
and even though you ain't dancin' for me,
I can't take my eyes away--
as if they love the pain as much as they love you.
and I come to all of your shows,
but you never see me
beyond the herd of people
who jostle for a better view
but never really see you.
and it strikes me as a bit odd
that there's no way down from your stage,
unless you want to jump.
(but I suppose that's just the way you are)
I count the number of flawless pirouettes
and I wonder why no one ever seems to dance for you.
I try to count the faces in the crowd I'm not really a part of,
how many blue eyes, how many green ones.
but they keep turning away
as if they had no faces at all.
and I wonder if you can see them,
but I doubt it as I watch you.
and I'm thankful somehow that you don't dance for me,
because I don't need that.
and you don't need seeds from me, little bird.
but I'm not quite content to loiter
at the edge of a faceless crowd.
I could dance with you, you know.
I could join you in the harshness of the light,
to perhaps make its glare a little softer.
and we could spin together across the precarious platform,
and no one would dare fling coins in our direction.
we could leap from the stage,
hand in scarred hand,
and scatter the crowd of fattened pigeons
obscene in their blatant gluttony.
and we could wash the smoke and sawdust from our lives
and never dance again.


unfinished

what do you want
from a tanglesoul twistedgirl
that could not be acquired
in a manner
a little less difficult?
her broken fingers
refracted love
(un)scarred skin
are not suffice
ain'tthatright?
and all these aspirations
and expectations
defy all rational
calculations
it just ain't right
cause her skin
is perpetual longsleeves
and her smile
is eternal everything'sfinejustfine
unfinished girl
un(w)hol(l)y girl
and so what if your pieces
fit her jagged ones?
she just... ain't right
and she'll charm you
with her broken splendor
her somber glitter
her pretty cage(hands)
what did you expect?
she'll scream later
her razorfingers poised just so
but for you she'll squirrel her soul away
ain't
that
right?


retaliation among numbers

806559
who cares what your name is, boy?
oh? girl?
either way
report to room 212
where you will be assigned
one of 672 futures
reserved for the class of 2004
the other 100 people
did not meet Our standards
I'll give you a tip, kid
write it on the back of form 12
so you won't forget
They'll love you, you know
if you hold your head just so
if you murder your aspirations real slow
you'll get a good future
if you don't exceed your limit
of 12 questions per lifetime
it used to be 13
but They thought it unlucky
and if you never stray
never drink
never have sex
never love
and never show a flicker of passion
They won't kill you
with the other average of 20
they kill every year
for trying to have a name
and if you want some safety to be sure of
don't even think of bubbling the option
"all of the above"
so go and live your life
just as god intended
come back 67 years from now
report to room 771
that's when We've scheduled your death
if you cooperate
5'6", 130 pounds, right?
it's definitely you
don't worry
you'll go peacefully, when you report
have a nice life, boy.
oh? girl?
806559

Epilogue:
806559 was indeed one of the total of 23 that They killed that year.
The acts committed violated rules 17-24 and rule 31, section 2, clause b,
all involving an attempt to convince others that s/he was "real."


name

why can't you say my name?
why can't you say you love me
without looking at my eyes?
and I don't mean to be mean
you know what I mean?
but I think it's time we all came clean
and you're not worthy
wordy?
goober
it's all esoteric-like, baby
so don't worry your pretty(ugly) head
what? can't
you say
my fucking name?
and FUCK you
for not being able to explain
the reasons why
you un(adore)love me
FUCK YOU
for loving the other girl
who goes by
a name that's not really mine
say my fucking name
like you mean it
like she means it
or don't waste my time
with alwayseverafter
because you're not worthy
wordy?
goober
esoteric-like


stranger

hey there, stranger
it's been too long
or perhaps
not long
enough?
and maybe you've gotten stranger, stranger
with that little taste of danger
but you're still no stranger
than I
and I like you
'cause you're genuine
you know all your lines
and most of mine
so don't promise me forever
much less tomorrow
there's a good chance you'll wake up alone
I won't lie, darling
there's too much to taste
to stay in this place
and I am an admitted glutton
for life
it's been a while, stranger
and it will be a while more
but, it's alright my strange little stranger
you are no stranger
than I


guiled

you never loved me
but your lies did
and I was guiled
like a child
we could never get it right
could we?
we could never get it wrong
would we?
I never wanted it to be this way
so walk on
unlover boy
you'll find better flesh than mine
we could never
get it wrong
I still catch myself
wishing for your hands
though the rest of you
seems rather inconsequential
you never loved me
but your eyes did
the prick of your insincerity
could not be healed
by the artificial sweetness of your pretty mouth
walk on
unloved boy
you've found something too wild
to be guiled
anymore


unfaithful

she was always unfaithful
they could tell by looking at her
something about her was hollow
they knew it
and they would laugh later
about the bitter irony
unfaithful girl
a voice that cannot say that it loves
or that it is sorry
or that it is scared
but rather delivers truth like a premeditated weather report
"partly cloudy with a chance you'll hate me later"
a voice that creates inadvertent lies
out of the purest intentions
a voice not to be trusted
her life is tinged unfaithful
her love is deemed unworthy
broken girl
and she's cryin' now
alone in a room
that's crazylaced
she ain't sleepin'
and she ain't dyin'
wishin' to GOD
she hadn't been unfaithful
one by one she'll ruin them all
she'll wake up tangled in hatred
guilty hands
guilty eyes
guilty lips
guilty girl
she'll die sorry
she'll die scarred
she'll die unfaithful
no one's watchin' now
no, no one's worryin' now
she's damaged
beyond the effort
it would take to love a broken beast
pretty pills
for an ugly girl
she's so damn sorry
crazylaced
unfaithful


worth

some kisses
are just kisses
you won't stay
I never wanted you to
and that's alright, baby
cause now you'll survive
I was never worthy anyway
and some boys
are just boys
sold his soul to the U.S. gov'ment
for less than it was worth
cause I wouldn't take it
I wanted to see it fly
he ain't stayin'
I've done too much chasin'
and too much runnin'
for one dirty girl
for one dirty soul
so now he's runnin'
can't say I blame him
it ain't worth it anymore, baby
I made him tainted
he made me beautiful
some girls
are just girls
and it's a little late now
for I'msodamnsorry
but for what it's worth
I am


dreamality

broken
alive
fixed
bent
dead
asleep
maybe you should stay with me
am I dreaming reality?
or is reality a dream?
I'm in a house of mirrors
and my reflection keeps running away
and I'm burned crazy scared
maybe you shouldn't stay with me

this poem is shit


for Kelli

you defy my senses
you intertwine them in the recipe of your love
a pinch of vision
and a dash of taste
the heat of our souls
for 15 minutes
(or eternity)
until lightly golden perfect
and you're speakin' to me in tongues
dead languages resurrected in you
and you're dancin' to the twisted music
of desire(passion)love(forever)
and I can't even begin
to structure this with words
all I can do
is dance with you
all I can do
is love with you
I wake up lightly covered with the dust of your splendor
without it, I am naked
I cannot fly, Tinkerbell
there is no Never-Never Land
when there is no you
love me with your tongue(s) and dances
love me with your laughter
love me in the morning, love
'cause I'll be lovin' you


pretty head

crazy again
blood on the sheets
make up a lie, quick now
broken again
my own victim
my own enemy
crazy again
they have come to expect
this shit
from you
might as well live up to it
might as well die up to it
everything is finefuckin'fine
don't worry
your
pretty
head
about me
I'll cover my bruises
just for you
broken again
crazy again
fine
fucking
fine
don't worry
your
pretty
head


leader

follow the leader
to your nicotine-stained deathbed
and don't you cry on the way down
don't you dare cry
go on, hit me
you know you want to
use me until you feel like you're actually a man
the ties that bind
are the ties that bruise
hollow the leader
with your vacant reasons
and your empty fucking lies
don't you crawl to me
cause my face is too dirty for you
remember?
my skin is too scarred
people might start to wonder...
swallow the leader
was it worth it?
was your sacrifice in vain?
did you feel alive?
or were you scared like you always are?
go on, cry
I've still got you
I've still fucking got you


slow goodbye

slender wrists
and slight curves
his hands remember
soft voice
and rambling laughter
his ears remember
the strength in her smile
and the danger in her hands
his soul remembers
gentle kiss
and darkened eyes
his lips remember
a slow goodbye
and the promise of tomorrow
he cannot forget


metal smile

they'll say that she's a wild thing
that she simply cannot be won
they'll curse her name in darkness
because they'll never see her run
they'll tell him he's wasting his time
that she's not worth the fight
and he'll tell them they're all liars
but he doesn't know they're right
she'll close her eyes and wish them away
dazzle his soul and sparkle his eyes
her metal smile will make him stay
and they'll tell him he's insane
he'll fight the battle with blinded eyes
and no one will see her wounds
he'll never wade through all the lies
because she's just a wild thing


beneath

the skin beneath
is raw and angry
stinging sensitive ugly
the skin beneath
is truth
if you decide to hold your breath for me
I hope you enjoy the last four minutes of your life
I can't do anything
but sit and wait for my hands to heal
run your fingers along my skin
and you'll find no scars
to deceive my smile
and sleep will come with all its nourishing sanity
when I wake up
will you be there?


dollface

baby can't sleep again tonight
clock layin' on the floor
busted and broken just like her
she'll spiral in this love affair
wake up wrecked and beaten in the afternoon light
she is the lovechild of scorn and loneliness
the air around her is poisoned with her heaviness
she'll kiss you in the mourning rain
but be ready for her to run
she's cryin' over tainted wrists
she'll become this raging storm
go on and take her
who cares what crosses tainted lips?
the sickness is her stalker
the anger will seduce her
and leave its clawmarks, abrupt and startling, down her back
trails of fury
she'll spiral in this hate affair
run for home, dollface, and you'll die trying
baby can't sleep again tonight


desert

the ground flees
sweeping across the godforsaken open spaces
the keeper of my smothered aspirations
the sky is dirt
and the desert is coming
the desert shows no mercy
it embraces me in its disarming danger
displays me like a fallen goddess
to jeer at my pathetic misfortune
and I am caged
pent up with all my pride and rages
scorned for the essence of a pariah
abandoned and broken
tainted and forgotten
known and unknown
real and unreal
bar-shaped bruises
from the cage that attacks me as much as I attack it
it's inanimate, but so am I, sometimes
this is the root of my torment
which is the cage and which is me?


razorbeast

untears of an ailing soul
I am pollution
I am unavoidable poison
I am the unbroken
I dance with my sickness
to the rhythm of life and death
wilted fears flutter on midnight wings
and this is my confessional
suffocate me with your love
resurrect me with your dependence
slay my unwellness
tame the razorbeast
I am damaged purity
I am without skin
scream love loud
I am the unstone being
loud love scream
I am the unmistakable
love scream loud


thorny

perpetual cold in blood and fear
the lines we've drawn
and the ties we've made
are fuzzy and tangled and delightful
do not dethorn this raging rose
do not strip danger from seductive beauty
do not leave me broken and harmless
discoveries made in hanging papers and squinty eyes
breathe with me in this invisible dance
spider hands encased, enveloped, enticed
by the thorny vines of innocence
pulsation in tiny veins
the blood that runs like me from you
calm my fear
set me free with dusty raven's wings
break my cage
mend my soul
love me like you knew nothing else


machete

love-stricken shackle-soul
blind-eyed weeping maidens' echo
tremble in the face of this being
that defies the threshold for beauty
haunt me with your voice and hands
this is the fantasy
this is the unfathomable dream of reckless youth
obvious oblivious burning of unseeing stone-eyes
break
away
breathe free
I want to run with you
fight the falling with newfound wings
this is shackled youth
wield the machete of love
break
away