January-March 2001





forbidden

 I am the forbidden
magnetized
the taste of your lips lingers
your warmth has yet to fade away
pressurized
desire that ignites in the wilting space between our faces
somehow I'm trembling
mesmerized
this is our best chance
the streaks of light across your eyes
sympathized
innocence as our only dividend
attraction as our only excuse
undeniable
I am the forbidden


rhinestone jealousy

 seems as if no darkness ever left
whatever resentment still hangs in the clouds
intangible fragments
fond memories
restrictions I could not defy
a glimmer of hope that things will be better someday
rhinestone jealousy
ever-present scars
and maybe it'll run away
like everything else has
wounds that just don't fade
seems as if no darkness ever left


here's to the game

 I can't bring myself to look at whatever's in the glass
systematic
here is my disease
my glass is now raised
the light from the street lamp glints off the side of the cup
here's to the game, kids
here's to the fools
the beggars
the wannabe's
and here's to the loneliness
good old buddy
here's to the drinkers
the smokers
the stoners
here's to the game, kids
cinematic
my disease is here
and the drink burns on the way down
but it won't last long
no
nothing will hurt anymore


little blue labels

 plunging into twilight
the taste of blood on my quivering lips
one more addiction
stacked away in neat little piles
one more obsession
see them in their tidy rows
and little blue labels
each a different tale
one more thing to hide
and I've never been this cold before
inhaling inadequacies
blood trickles over my blinded eyes
scrape away my skin
just to make sure I can still feel
one more scar
one more thing to hide


I'll take you there

 touch me
and I'll take you there
so much I feel but I'm unable to describe
everything seems so insane
cause I can only feel you
see you in my dreams
hear you speaking directly to my soul
you never fail to move me
explain to me
how I can sit here with you and not fall madly in love with you?
everything you do makes me descend farther
and despite all our barriers
I will always feel you
so touch me
and I'll take you there


whimsical child

 I am the essence of a sigh
the child of a whim
I think I know all these dances by heart
but you've forgotten some of the steps
let me show you how they go
they'll never know the difference
sometimes the heat
turns the horizon into liquid
but somewhere in the distance
they laugh for me
methodically I soar through the wisps of thick grey fog
and somehow I breathe
despite the shame in my throat
with raven's wings I fly away
the whimsical child
I don't look back
cause broken arms don't wave goodbye


hidden green

 you'll find me here
in the space between the shadows of love
feeling too much at once
wishing I could see the things
that are hidden just as well as the green in my dark eyes
you'll find me there
dangling helplessly from the ledges of darkness
the difference between black and white
demon and angel
walk together
looming grey wings contrasting with the glistening halo
always I am found in darkness
on the ledges of the shadows of love
in the space between black and white
hidden just as well as the green in my dark eyes


hunted

 twilight pulls itself across the sky
shame pours from my eyes
and covers me like the blanket of night
I don't want to stay here
cause rattlesnakes live in the walls
and the hunter is lurking in the light fixtures
innocence rises like the dust from a raven's wing
and as it twists toward the light
up into the stars
I want to fly away
and not be hunted anymore


me escondo
 (I hide)

too scared to feel
too alone to love
and my soul is screaming
me escondo
and I can't help
but hang my head and weep
cause the narrow difference between wrong and right
is withering in my hand
and my voice is strained as I whisper
me escondo
and I'm riveted by the rain drops
that breathe as they trickle down the glass
the window is cold against my forehead
in the back of my mind I think
me escondo
and no matter what the sun reveals
as it surges above the horizon
I will always have a reason to scream out
me escondo


she's so pretty
 (no this isn't about me, it's about one of my friends)

she doesn't know she's pretty
and she doesn't believe them when they tell her
she just smiles
and they all wish their smile was as angelic as hers
if she weren't so oblivious
her eyes wouldn't be so blue
and she hates her laugh
but I love the way it sounds
they all tell her she's so pretty
but she doesn't realize she makes them jealous when she smiles


angry streaks

 hard questions she won't answer
denial
ragged suspicion
some things can't be said out loud
and I'd cry
but I'm feeling all the angry streaks of light across my crimson face
and you have to be careful how you touch her
she might never wake up
cause I know all the words that make her hurt
and in this state
of stabbing remorse
greater than ever now
I want to get away
cause I feel her withering
and the only thing that keeps me breathing is her


so many tears

 everything falls away from me
and it's all expressed in so many glistening tears
let me take you away
into the depths of myself
and let me hold you in my hands
I won't let you fall
where I come from it's soft and warm
and I don't know where it is
but it's somewhere I want to be
please
let me stop time
and just take my hand
let me take you away
cause I want to show you everything
that's expressed in so many glistening tears


where I am
 (Stu, you never fail to inspire me... so here's another moonshot, bud)

he says he wants to leave
cause it's cold where he comes from
I tell him I wanna leave
cause it's cold where I am
and I doubt he'll ever understand
all the angels in my head
but he tries
and that's good enough for me
he's never talked much
I guess he's never had to
I can just feel what he's thinking
"you're changin'," he tells me
I guess I am
although change has always been my greatest enemy
he always tells me he loves my eyes
I love all of him
he builds a wall and thinks of me
and I wish I was there
he says he wants to leave
cause it's cold where he comes from
I tell him I wanna leave
cause it's cold where I am


take me

 take me away
cause I'm breathing too hard to sleep right now
and it seems like I'm inhaling misdirection
can you take me away?
cause this mind-numbing insanity is fading me
and all those children hide in your steel blue eyes
streaks of blond
sweep across your forehead
and I don't care where you're going
as long as you take me with you
cause I'm breathing too hard to sleep right now


spark
 (despite that I don't remember writing this... it's about Kelli, I'm sure)
(sisser, I see you)

a flame
the glowing embers
you spark me
an underlying peace
something that exudes warmth
and penetrates all that iciness
faceless
voiceless
intangible
a reflection of me in your eyes
the embodiment of everything I am
our souls intertwine
I hear you screaming
I feel you in every breath
you are indispensable
something neither of us could explain
it runs deeper than words
and dodges all logic
my heart beats faster
the rhythm of our music overtakes me
we spiral into the depths of each other
in the flame
we live in those faithful embers
you spark me


silver

 breathing
and all this silver falls across my swollen fingers
still
nothing moves except the fear which flickers inside me
crying
dark brown eyes with hopeful traces of green and black
desolate
even the crickets find no reason to sing
raining
drops fall like the angry tears of blue-eyed angels
slow motion
liquid movements and everything rewinds
alone
and all these demons dance across my forehead
scars
painful remnants of long forgotten ghosts
breathing
and all this silver falls across my swollen fingers


shallow sleep

 I feel the lights come on
I hear myself breathing
in my shallow slumber
suspended
only to be dragged outside of myself
it falls across my eyes
almost reaches my ears
penetrates my soul
everything is broken
simultaneous shattering
and I am just suspended
in this restless...shallow sleep


last smile

 this is the last smile I fake for you
the last time I'll mask myself for your sake
cause it wouldn't kill you to love me
and you know I need it
I wade through life
the water rises and I begin to drown
and you sit there in your life boat
just sitting
your blind hazel eyes staring blankly
I'm dying for your touch
cause it wouldn't kill you to love me
I'm dying
falling away
drowning in myself
which is utterly immersed in you
but I let myself away
cause this is the last smile I fake for you


hourglass

 all my love
spread across the floor
my intentions fall like tears from the ceiling
all the ambiguous angels
swirl around my tiny room
and I sit in the middle of everything
that is strewn across the floor
and I drown in all my nothingness
rain trickles down the window
like the gossamer web of a spider
tell me again, am I awake now?
confusion washes over me
a suffocating torrent
the angels close their eyes
and I feel the ground disappearing
it falls away like sand through an hourglass
and I am left
alone
with the ghosts of what I thought was real


gunpowder

 she cries
cause it's always so cold
she can't breathe
otherwise she'd run away
defy the shackles
break down the walls
instead of letting the walls envelope her
and she'd love to be bad
make all those jaws drop
cause she's such a good kid
and she'd go there if she could
she'd never let them win
she knows she's alone
no one will believe her
but she'd take the wheel
if they'd let her
sometimes she doesn't trust herself either
and she flies away
on the wings of a black bird
the smell of gunpowder lingering in the air


groundless

 emptiness spreads itself over me
like a blanket of silent death
I dunno if I want to live to see the sun rip across the soft velvet curtain of night or not
because the day seems more ominous than any darkness
and as everything settles around me
I begin to fall
into the looming oblivion
no ground to run on
no escape
a dull and piercing fear
here in this room where only darkness shines
and light lurks in the corners
I cling to what's left of me
I'm not like those that hide in light
I am darkness
and all its velvet seduction
but I'm still afraid somehow
cause there's no ground to run on
no escape


gothic dreams

 vanquish all my swirling gothic dreams
calm my shivering soul
look into my wild eyes
feel the way I think
think the way I feel
let me fall asleep inside you
let me inhale your warmth
your lips ignite me
because we kiss so seldomly
so slowly
my eyes drink you
desire rages like an angry storm
your touch stops all time
the blaze that burns like me for you
is seen only in the eyes of angels
let me fall asleep inside you
and vanquish all my swirling gothic dreams


feeling you

 I'm feeling you
intertwined with the autumn breeze
inhabiting my every breath
pulsing in my chest
in every move I make
I'm always feeling you
cause everything seems so perfect when you're around
as if there was never darkness
and sometimes I need you so much it hurts
it's just that...
I'm always feeling you


even though

 I'm standing outside
even though it's raining
I can see you
even though the light's dead
I can feel you
even though I'm numb all over
I'm shivering
even though everything's on fire
I can't help but be scared
even though the angels caress my forehead
I'm flying away
even though you've clipped my slate colored wings
I'm dancing
even though you've stifled the music
I still love you
even though you hurt me
and I'm still breathing
even though I'm drowning in my tears


echo

 somewhere someone speaks my language
deep within the depths of souls
reflected in the echoes of angels
we breathe in unison
I feel him even though he's not here
my missing part
somewhere in the whirlpool of people
he's there
feeling me like I feel him
and someday someone will recognize my eyes
cause the were reflected in the echoes of angels


crimson

 crimson
and the lights flicker
blazing
and the walls are charred
angry
and I'm doing all this for defiance
armed
they don't understand
insane
it won't go away
fear
stabbing all over again
running
overtaken like an unfortunate victim
swallowed
laying on the floor
crimson
and the lights go out


blue mist

 illusive
lurking in the hollows
ominous
impending fear
we tend to die young
ambiguous
statues crumble
simultaneous obsession
blue mist
and I can't say your name out loud
tick
tick
tick
fall


beyond the shutters

 the shadows slide across the wall
standing in the middle of the cold floor
wanting to feel whatever's beyond the shutters
and I'm so vulnerable
cause I've lost my second skin
faces dance across the valley of my mind
and all the false intentions are hidden by her eyes
she crumbles me with the things that she doesn't carry in her voice
and I just want to be warm again
cause I'm shaking uncontrollably
I want to escape
the shadows slide across the wall
standing in the middle of the cold floor
wanting to feel whatever's beyond the shutters


all I can ask for

 I don't want to be anybody's everything
all I ask is to be somebody's something
and one would think this would be simple
in a world full of somebodies
but simplicity trickles through the cracks in the floor
I shrink into the walls
hide myself
for your sake
untouchable
all angles
I fade
I can't be anybody's everything
no
all I want
all I want
all I can ask for
...just somebody's something


rain and tears

 rain and tears
intertwined
trickling from my cheeks and brow
forming puddles at my feet
it falls so softly I don't even feel it
or maybe I'm beyond feeling again
you are rain
and I am tears
we intertwine in solemn bliss
we join together like a rushing torrent
we become eachother in all the slow motion chaos
the difference between you and me
you make everything glisten
and I always fall more often


sea of blackness

 the sea of blackness
I sink
so slowly
without getting wet
the raging water
giant waves
colliding in mindless battle
the lightning that strikes me
but I don't feel it
I'm too far gone for that
a boat
a mere speck on the stormy horizon
it lets me go
it allows me to sink
I am swallowed by the angry sea
and consumed by my own sorrow


expressionless

 grasping
stabbing in the dark
searching
all for nothing
cause words cannot express
how much I miss you
and how much I will always love you


anywhere but here

 I wanna be anywhere but here
doing anything but this
it could have happened to anyone
but no
it had to be you
your soft face
and stone colored eyes
splinter in my head
almost like shattering glass
but much more final than that
something warm
stifled by so much cold
my pillar
crumbled
my counter-part
disappeared in the dizzying haze
and as my eyes slide shut
I wish I were anywhere but here


graveyard sky
 (soobie... this is the first time I've ever written something for someone... feel special.)

the clouds are stagnant in the graveyard sky
silent lightning seems to split the earth in two
the vast, cracked wasteland is bare
except for the old gnarled oak tree
and the grey couch and endtable
the table has a tiny drawer
that holds a key to no where in particular
and then the lamp
that's turned on but doesn't seem to illuminate anything at all
and is as grey as everything else
and it's all so still
and he's still too
sitting
just sitting
his shoes reflect the solemn sky
his brown suit has been pressed
and not even his glasses
can hide his gentle eyes that contrast so sharply with everything else
and then there's the mirror
his reflection's in that mirror
sea green scrubs with tiny polka dots
like you'd see in an insane asylum
neurotic eyes that never blink
it's the eyes that scare him
more than the horrid glowering face
it's the eyes
it wants to attack him
squeeze the life out of him
and he lets it
it explodes out of the mirror and grasps his neck
it looks like it's squeezing
but he sits
gentle eyes peering through the glasses
it and its impotent rage
him and his calm expression
he stands
his gentle eyes staring into its psychotic face
slowly
deliberately
he reaches over
and turns off the lamp that doesn't seem to illuminate anything at all
and everything falls prey to darkness


armor

 the flicker of feet
the crunching leaves
no trail
no signs of life
just the moon and me
the epitome of perfection
running
just running
ignoring the bushes that slash my legs
and the branches that assault my eyes
seems as though it's chasing me now
the bulky weight
it's footsteps erupt like thunder
weaving through the trees
leaping over bushes and fallen logs
something hidden under the brush
I fall
like the defeated logs
I roll into the darkness
unseen but unforgotten
the creature rumbles past me
hidden but safe
I lay there
just breathing
and night washes over me
the nemesis of light
and my only armor


stony limits

 I want to live
but this is all you'll let me be
suffocating
I just wish I could feel my face again
seems like here will never be another chance
another midnight bus rolling through
breaking is futile
the wall's too high
and all those damned stony limits
can't keep love out


needing you

 pacing back and forth
clawing at the walls
yanking at the bars
boiling in my brain
the rage surges through my fingertips
an addiction
like a twisted knife
something I can't have
ready to scream
on the verge of everything
drowning
choking
needing you


I can't breathe without you

 I miss you
so much it hurts
I just want to find you somehow
I need you way too much
I can't breathe without you
seems like I could die
and you could feel me anyway
cause that's just the way we are
our souls are familiar to each other
they met before
in another time
another place
and they make me need you
so much I can barely stand
and I can't even breathe with out you