August 2001 - April 2002





hear me love

the crushing of lives and souls
live people are interesting
but dead ones are threefold
defined, they are
screw my age
years mean nothing
defy with me
I am child
I am woman
I am decrepit youth
hear my scream
feel my soul
touch my skin
I am dementedtwistedscaredbeauty
I am
I am
I am
I believe
forget my head
cause it was too heavy to carry today
and I am cause I believe
I believe cause I am
I breathe fear
but I have asthma, so it's alright
fear breathes me
but I knock the breath out of it, so it's alright
we both crumble a lot
but that's okay, we'll both survive
here me
hear me
me is I and I is me
kiss my lips and feel the heat of my soul
I am fire
won't you be my gasoline?
drown myself in love and hate
love and fear
love and love
rock and roll pariah child
strength of body
feel the pulse
muscle meets bone meets passion
this day is not ready for me
this day cannot handle me
hard and soft
dark and light
life and love live in me
I am fool
I am bafoon
I am fallen
I am flying
lightning from my fingertips
our auras intertwine and I just can't help but laugh
love me, please
god, just love me
hold me in your eyes and in your arms and in your lips
show me the world that orbits between your hands
I will be free
I will taste the wind and sky
I will defy the desert
I will bleed and I will feel
open wings
open eyes
black winged angel embrace
I am grey
hear me love


dawn raven

the coolness of the dawn
as the fog thickens with the breath of angels
steals the tears and makes them dew
gossamer in their gallant sorrow
there is a silent fleeting shiver
as hope flutters through the barren crevices of the body
thoughts of wee eyes
tender hands
and gentle voices that surely sing to greet the soul
the ripple of midnight feathers over valiant wings
light upon a willow that fails to weep
where fear's talons cannot reach
time dances through the smoky shades of grey
the life and death of another morning


victim

close your eyes
and swallow it down
you have no choice
but to feel dirty tonight
submit your body
but save your soul
you'll be his broken lover
but you will not let him in
close your eyes
and let it go
there is nothing to rescue you
a face in a dirty window
murdered by dirty lies
violated by dirty eyes
couldn't cut those dirty ties
so drown it all in alcohol
you are the victim, anyway
a sinner is a sinner
and your sin is a part of you
close your eyes
let him clip your broken wings
you have no choice
but to feel dirty tonight


open

tears are the children of the restless soul
midnight fury is as impotent as ever
any voice still soothes the shivering
even my own
my hands seem more beautiful now than ever before
what is it about that?
I need to live with my eyes open
with my soul open
I'm too free for this place
too shackled for anyplace else
my life is love
and my love is life
to breathe is life and love in an instance
to cry is everything in between
I miss the good times
but bad times seem so much stronger sometimes
I miss feeling like something was meant for me
love was meant for me
life was meant for me
my eyes are open


willing, are you?

hello
this is your mission
if you are willing to accept
this tape
will self destruct
locate the line
that delicate boundary
that apparition of deadly fear
and at what point one has crossed it
locate the bend
and find what one has to do
to go 'round it
locate the rocker
and decide when one is considered
off of it
this is your mission
if you are willing to accept
the consequences
define crazy
define normal
tell me WHY
find reasons for all this guilt
find guilt for all these reasons
this girl
will self destruct
in 5...
...4...
...3...
...2...

chalkdust life

there are walls here
high and foreboding
loving and hating
this is your life
this
chalkdust
life
there is freedom rendered between these walls
there is love dressed in all these fears
this small-handed lover of dreams
is not yet defeated
learn to love the walls
learn to love what is beyond them
learn to love what is within them
learn to love what is
learn to love
learn to
learn
this is
your life
this chalkdust life
fly upon wings that are
only chalkdust


dreamer's woe

teach me how I should forget to think of you
how could I? your scent resides against my hands and clothing
I cannot concentrate
you terror of the scattered mind
you thief of attentions that should be well spent
you arson of my purest thoughts
teach me to expel you from the crevices of this idle brain
teach these idle hands to forget to feel this way
calm these fears
lurking in trembles and shudders
hiding behind eyes too dark to tell the tales
teach this face the ways of stone
the shelters my soul does hide behind
perhaps more perceptive than perceived
perhaps more the hostage than the criminal
this soul that was built for love
these hands that fear the sting
teach me how I should think of another now
teach these eyes to deceive
plant my faith
in the dirt beneath your solemn weight
leave this love as you've left me
breathless in the antigravity
leave this soul as you've left this love
fitful in this foreign place
assail this brain, to chase away these frightful apparitions
the children of the dreamer's woe


shadow dreamer

stealing through shadow
this breathtaking soul
ignite my torches
and set my love free
crown of wild flowers
atop an angel's head
the face of a dreamer
tears of smoldering ashes
signs that there is still hope
there is no love
that trickles through these fingers
there is no vision
no touch to assure hand's misgivings
no breath, but a mind to form the words
and she will come
like the fog lifting over a barren field
she will come
stealing through shadows to spite the light
this soul that's pure in its impurities
this aged child longing for touch
this bright creature living for life


residence of hollows

in love?
mayhap
from love?
a smidge more likely
of love?
perhaps, dear, perhaps
but love, indeed?
yes, love, indeed
anything else would be nonsense
to love to love and loving alike
is truly lovely, indeed
fingertips in these hollows
where such love and peace reside
possessed or coveted
yet not bought or sold
with simplicity
tears of a crimson soul
cannot stain the face of this being
to love is truly fine
in love, mayhap
from love or love in the same
of love, yes, perhaps
but love, indeed?
love, indeed


dangerous

dangerous
this insatiable forbidden
some inexplicable desire
I cannot deny this
the taste of passion
lingers faithfully on quivering lips
the sudden need
for your hands on me
if I kiss you once, love
I fear I'll never cease
your lips: unexpected doors to heaven
you make me want you
god, how I want you
this thing that defies language
scoffs in the face of words
I want to be with you
in the 3 a.m. stillness
of these streets
I want your lips on mine
I want to shiver against your body
you are the insatiable forbidden
dangerous


butterflies

butterflies scatter
in the wake of your passage through my life
I cannot deny
my love for the way
you made me beautiful
summer electricity
fades from your face
the greyness of winter
slowly
slowly
overtakes you
what peace we created
shatters
with every hit you take
with every moment
you forget my face
with every longing
for your voice
six months of loving you
a lifetime of letting you go


convictions

could you love the sinner
if you could not love the sin?
at what point do you fade away?
if you had faith in the convict
would you have faith in the convictions?
if I loved you
could you believe in me?
if I died a thousand times
and claimed it in your name
would you stand by me?
and if I needed you
would you run away from me?
if I were a sinner
could you love my sin?
if I were a convict
could you have faith in my convictions?
if I were a lover
would you love me when the sun came up?
if there was a door
would you lock it behind you?
tell me
would you abandon me?
if I were alive
would you leave me to die?
if I could not stand
would you take care of me?
could you deny me?
do you love, lover?
do you believe, believer?
do you sin, sinner?
what are your convictions?


something to believe in

let me introduce you
to this place
where we believe
in nonbelievers
no one has to know your name, friend
so you don't have to hide
there are no walls
for fear to lurk behind
I'll show you how to love, dear
if you'll tell me what it's like to be alive
welcome to this land
do you feel the freedom yet?
poets speak from rooftops
their souls too full for silence
come here to this place
built by rough-handed dreamers
where angels live in coffee cups
and children are never lost
let me introduce you
to a place
where even nonbelievers
have something to believe in


bruise

the night haunts
the pale eyes
of a beautiful face
dark hair
caressing flushed cheeks
like rain
falling
falling
she will run
through the gathering
of broken angels
this
is
a story
of a soul
too bruised
to feel
and she will fly
upon the wings
of one thousand
defeated ravens
her spider hands
will flutter
against the stones of time
she will sing
with the children
who never made it home
her breath
will inhabit
the stillness
she will steal
your mind
away
this
is
a story
of a soul
too bruised
to wait
she will beckon from the darkness
she will beckon from the smoke
she will shatter
like ice
against your neck
and when she speaks
the whole world
will stop
and be
taken


smoke angel

unsteady
what
have I
done now?
dizzy
wounded shoulder
take me home
hold me up
cause I'm falling
into something
I've never felt
before
I have to love this girl
through the smoke
through the fumes
she gives herself
and I
have
nothing
dizzy
an angel with devilish tendencies
angel hands take care
of an unsure soul
faltering steps
what
have
I done?
you have to love this girl
this passion for life
this passion for love
dizzy me up
I have to love this girl


small town

the curtain rises
over the stage of the sky
a cast of grey clouds
begins to play
walking across
crooked brick streets
in such solemn dreaming bliss
breathing like rain
touches fire
touches skin
searching for something to be blessed for
shadows of slender fingers
conjuring all these rose-tipped dances
I suppose I've lost my touch
without forgetting how to feel
this
is
small town
perhaps there's nothing for me here


custodian

I sweep the floors
late at night
when goblins twist towards twilight
I sweep the floors
I gather crumpled souls
from dusty forgotten corners
I put them in plastic bags
yes, I do
sort them by size
by texture
I sweep the floor
then I go home
when the sun stretches
its tired arms over the horizon
I take battered souls
in my fingertips
shine them
pull out the dents here and there
find all the beautiful flaws
I marvel
at the way they all glitter
in a certain light
then as darkness
swoops dangerously across the barren sky
I gather myself, my broom, and my bags of souls
I sweep the floors


glass doors

another morning of fog
sliding through the cold building
between the echoes of so many souls
there appears to be only whiteness
beyond distant glass doors
maybe they open to a heaven of sorts
maybe there is no outside
does that mean there's no inside?
but I know that the doors to heaven
are not but of glass
another morning of rain
dew glimmering like shed tears
you wouldn't know the difference, anyway
follow the tracks
of gossamer angels
across the wet grass
there should be no lost loves
let the rain wash over you
like a sudden flourish of rose petals
walk like a goddess
through the perfection of the dew
just another morning of fog


not quite

standing outside in the stark cold
arms folded
not quite shivering
a man throws his cigarette
it bounces then comes to rest on the pavement
still smoking
I think maybe I can smell it
just maybe
it lays there a moment
a lonely evil now
a white pickup rolls over the cigarette
flaying sparks across the cold pavement
to the wind
and there it is
unsure whether it has won or lost this time
exhaust from an old battered car
reaches its wispy fingers towards the streetlight
towards heaven
and there I am
cold
watching the smoke
unsure whether I've won or lost this time
knowing some things are worth winning
and maybe I've lost some things along the way
but I suppose I know exactly where I stand
outside in the stark cold
arms folded
not quite shivering


electric war

two hours of battle
the infantry of tears
advancing upon the enemy
the fighting is fierce
the lines are drawn
and I am just so stricken
loving fingers in my short hair
so many soothing voices
just trying so hard to make it better
words send the infantry retreating
back behind those rigid lines
faces of near-strangers
tiny lights shed
in the blacked-out city of my soul
I am alright
let me love you
because I've found so much love
that I could burst at my ragdoll seams
and rays of sunlight
would flood around me
standing here with all this fire
signing the treaties
restoring the power
to the city
that was so dark
let me love you


sorry

how many eyes
to see a permanent sin?
how many souls to bleed?
you should be sorry
the guilt that cannot be held
by slender shivering fingers
so it is not held at all
you should be so sorry
they can tell by the way you walk
just another casualty
carry those shoulders high
he can't even look at you
you should... be so damn sorry
the girl that cannot be held
by sure strong fingers
so she is not held at all
you should be so sorry
how many faces
to fall at a permanent sin?
how many deaths
before I sleep?
and I am so... sorry


soulstice

looking at her
is like handing her your soul
she blows the dust off it
shines it casually on her shirt sleeve
and tosses it back to you
with a wide grin
and you are better
because of her
there's something about her
a certain aura
her sadness becomes her features
bad days evident on her clouded brow
the height of her sorrow
read in the deep green puddles of her eyes
and you just want to hold her
because...god, she's just so beautiful
there's something so striking
about the way she moves
the way she laughs
as if there was never hatred
a face unstained by darkness
something so profoundly moving
she lights a match
in all those blackened souls
because... god, she's just... so beautiful


the mime

white painted face
black painted tears
trapped in the invisible box
pulling the invisible rope
silence
there are
no words
behind black painted eyes
the people passing by
more bad looks than good
just a mime
trapped in the ubiquitous invisible box
they all walk through it, you know
it follows them
only the mime sees
there is
no peace
behind a black painted soul
the silence
like some sacred rite
something so profound
something so vast and untapped
white paint that reflects all those jeering faces
just a mime
there is
no hope
for a black painted smile
just a mime
in an invisible box
just a person
hanging by an invisible rope


dinner for two

she loves him very much, you know
she didn't want to notice
when his blue eyes turned grey
she only dreamt of him leaving
the finality of the door as it slammed shut
was not, could not be real
she loves him very much, you know
his strong figure
illuminated by moonlight
as he watched the waves crash
against the jagged rocks below
the force she felt at that moment
the awareness of her body
he was a fragment of perfection
as he made his final descent
they never found him
she loved him very much, you know
steam rises above the windows
as she cooks her dinner for two
there's a soft ghostly rustling
in the depths of her house
in the depths of her mind
she smiles as he seats himself at the table
his blue eyes glitter in the candle light
he loves her very much, you know


ragdoll

the noise that kills
the light of shuddering shivering souls
ragdoll
limp in the corner of the closet
the unique emptiness that resides there
the stark warmth
the bare dark
only the ragdoll sees
only the ragdoll is not blind
eyes like twin blue marbles
two dead planets
barren and deserted
maybe there was hope
maybe there was life
ragdoll
silent sullen stifled slumber
a rustling...
in the back...
of the closet...


the sword of all love

fog is thick
on yon hills of grey
battle the goblins of the dusk
don the snowy armour
brandish the sword of all love
the face of a soul
not tainted by the blood of slain foes
the face of a soul
who never hates
the warmth of what love resides here
melts away the silent sorrow
the light of what faith resides here
reveals the ghosts of past terror
look into the crystal eyes
of the only true lover
don the perfect snowy armour
gleam there in your unbridled purity
brandish the sword of all love
see the soul that never hates


only way I know how

trembling under sheets
that just aren't thick enough to keep out the sound of hate
hiding the only way I know how
crying tears of shame
tears of anger
tears of a broken mirror
images violently separated
crying the only way I know how
staring wet brown eyes
enveloped in flush cheeks
framed in soft brown ruffled hair
a stray tear
meandering across crimson lips
carry on, soul
carry on
set out the clothes
the bright ones that make you feel good
tomorrow will be better
sexy, if anything else
learn to lock the door
wash away the shame
drown the fear
just breathe
living the only way I know how


puddle

the rain reduces itself,
to a dreary drizzle.
no birds will sing.
no sun will shine.
laughter echoes,
somewhere beyond the bare stricken trees.
flailing down a distant sidewalk,
a child springs forward.
boots landing abruptly in a placid puddle,
water leaping up around the child's knees.
gleeful sudden laughter,
escaping the child easily,
almost like a wind chime at midnight.
the child is a stray drop of paint,
against a stained grey canvas.
the child is drenched in love,
soaked in laughter,
and dripping with life.
the boots leaving small imprints of each,
as the child tracks across mother's tile floor.
night's curtain descends.
somewhere in outer space,
someone sees a single light on a blue planet,
emitting from somewhere beyond the bare stricken trees,
from somewhere with puddles on a distant sidewalk.
and somewhere in outer space,
laughter echoes.


do you know?

simple silent slumber
unsuspecting parents
it's one a.m.
do they know where their children are?
the music's loud
the room spins unsteadily
you wonder just how much you've had
there's no turning back now
it's two a.m.
do you know where your mind is?
your friend's face is a kaleidoscope
evershifting and distorting
your friend's pleads are futile
there's no reason now
it's three a.m.
do you know where your body is?
headlights and streetlights collide
in a bazaar twisted ballad
of your impending self destruction
the officials find your pants 20 yards down the highway
you were gone when they got there, weren't you?
there's no peace now
it's four a.m.
do you know where your soul is?


moonshadows

she explodes from the depths
of the water that used to be her bedroom
her arms flailing with helpless terror
she sputters and gasps desperately for air
somehow her aching limbs
move enough to bring her limply to a shore somewhere
the sand is cold
against her stark, pale face
creatures seem to dance in the moonshadows
she lays there
cold, shivering, soaked in salt and fear
her breathing seems to be the only rustling of life
suddenly lightning rips across the placid silence
rain settles in her hair
on her lips
across her motionless, perfect hands
she fades away
she awakens warm once again
she touches her sunburned face lightly
brushing away the sand
that stings her squinted eyes
she blinks several times
and he comes into view
his figure is god-like in the early morning sun
his bare feet shuffling quietly across the blazing land
his pants rolled up to his calves
his black shirt unbuttoned, billowing gently in the breeze
he laughs softly
and takes her hand
helping her rise stiffly from the beach
"Hey..." he articulates slowly
she smiles despite the sunburn
she had missed his voice
she remembers silently the way his arms felt around her
and she decides with some sort of finality
that if she had it to do over, she'd still fall in love with him
"Hey..."


coin

the coin lays flat on the table
she sits uncomfortably across the room
on a dilapidated wooden chair
she tries not to stare at it
she tries...
she remembers their fingers
the flicker... flicker of their fingers
their slow voices
they speak to her as if she's a child
she rises stiffly from the chair
paces, snaps her fingers repeatedly,
then reseats herself
they've asked her to do things like this before
always wanting her to choose
she hates their eyes
their burning, watchful eyes
now she circles the table
slowly, slowly
the coin challenges her in silence
it mocks her
taunts her
she pauses
she stares at it in childish awe
a timid hand reaches out
hovers tremulously for a moment
she gasps suddenly as if something struck her and retracts her hand
cradling it to her chest
glaring at the coin
she continues to lurk, eyes wide, eyes afraid
she crouches in the corner of the room
they see her muscles as they tense
she shifts her weight, and is suspended in perfect form for a moment
her savage cry pierces the sober grey walls
shakes the very sterile foundation of all their lives
she launches angrily at the table
swipes the coin into her thin fingers,
sets it carefully on end,
and steps back slowly
she tries not to breathe, not to move, so it won't teeter over
she stares, she watches,
as if it would spring from the table
they walk in through the door she didn't even see
they take her away, she only struggles silently
she's learned by now what struggling means
the door slams
the coin teeters...


everything wonderful

here I am
there I was
seems like forever since I saw myself
peel away the skin
the bleeding, longing lips
can you mend a stolen heart?
I want you to love me
like you had no other choice
I want you to love me
like you didn't need another choice
for once, I don't want things to make so much sense
I'm tired of my own reasons
I want to love you
like we'll die tomorrow
don't say anything now
because I don't want you to explain
all the reasons for the way your smile makes everything wonderful
I want you to love me for the black streaks in my eyes
that is, if you even need a reason
cause I don't
so there I was
and here I am
I'm ready
take me wherever you will go
anywhere is fine
nowhere is even better


early morning velcro

morning.
the dew seems remarkably pristine
as the early light makes the lawn glimmer.
birds seem to sing from nowhere,
tunelessly,
and about nothing in particular.
the fleet-footed child,
an apparition of dark hair against the solemn sky.
there is a sudden stillness,
the child settles easily like an autumn leaf.
a tiny, hesitant hand pushes the deep brown shock of hair aside.
dark eyes peer into the seemingly vacuous air.
a spider.
a single thread.
a rush of air through tiny lips,
the spider dances slowly,
to music from somewhere only the child has fathomed.
"hello," the child marvels briefly at the diminutive creature.
the spider returns a quizzical gaze.
the two exchange a tacit respect.
running again.
running so fast, fast.
the sun regards the child with sleepy eyes.
the child greets the serenity of the morning
with the flicker of Velcro shoes.
run, child.
so fast, fast...
morning.


pale soul

the height of what grief we find here
an unfamiliar terror
crouched stiffly against the sterile white wall
stealthy and swift, you wonder if you dreamt it
the shame embraces you
becomes your skin
eyes burning like cigarettes in the dark
the ashes are tears
grinding against your furtive guilt
you slip down, slide down , fall down
gravity slowly takes you away
just another sad story
another pale soul
suffering in light
dying in dark


black marble

silver strands
in sullen somber salty eyes
frigid skin of a guilty face
bodies falling somewhere between the metal jagged cliffs
descending from the sky like stricken angels
they were all fools anyway
the gentle harmonious hum
the simplistic intricacies
the discord
the deafening crash
all the structures crumble
the beasts emerge in their wake
a gentle disturbance
a flicker behind black marble eyes