April - December 2000





eyes
 (stu, this moonshot's for you)

I fall into your eyes
and you fall into my heart
no restrictions
no expectations
just this huge barrier
and as all their hatred rolls across my fingertips
I fall into your eyes
and you stash me away under your pillow
you make me forget everything
and in this green haze
there's only you and me
and the laughter I hang on to
something soft
beneath so much hardness
you fall into my eyes
and there's nowhere I'd rather be


understand

in life
in love
in fear
in death
and I just don't understand
grasping at concepts
as everything trickles through my fingers
I come to a standstill
the who's, the why's, the what's, and the where's
crumble me to the floor
and I just don't understand
obscure reasons I can't touch
an emotion I haven't felt in a while
a certain feeling that rips at my mind
and I don't know why
the words that can't express
the feelings I don't comprehend
and I just don't understand
in life
in love
in fear
in death


cold

 a cold ominous breeze drifts across the floor
and even though I'm dressed up in all this love
I can't keep the cold from penetrating me
unable to move
not knowing what to think
scared of what to feel
and I just drown in all this coldness
it envelopes me
it defies me
you billow through the cold room
on the wings of your freezing wind
you glide right through me
it's so cold


burn

 these my hands
dry, red, and tired
and this my heart
weary and solemn
and... this my faith
standing strong
never swaying as twilight falls
and these my tears
shedding things from deep inside
things I can't understand
slowly these things burn away
and somewhere in all those ashes
is how it used to be
the intangible pieces of the things we've lost
and this my love for you
the only thing that will never burn


I can't breathe without you

 I miss you
so much it hurts
I just want to find you somehow
I need you way too much
I can't breathe without you
seems like I could die
and you could feel me anyway
cause that's just the way we are
our souls are familiar to each other
they met before
in another time
another place
and they make me need you
so much I can barely stand
and I can't even breathe with out you


clash

 the tyrannical beasts
that throw their shadows
over the ashes of everything that's still good
and the painful awareness
that I can't let you slide through my hands
the knots in my shoulders
each with their own complaint
the little ghosts that sit on my back
slowly bring me to my knees
and I cling to the desolate nothingness
slow motion
I clash with the fast forward demons
you slip away from me
I rush
to do nothing but wait
and I wait
to do nothing but rush
lost
and my paths keep overlapping
I arm myself
and shoot them down
but you take a step back
the time that seems so little
the snake who eats his own tail
the endless cycle
and the flood that carries you farther
the tears that don't fall
and the painful awareness
that I can't let you slide through my hands


meteor

 you crash through the skylight
in blazing glory
and you ignite the fear in the room
you
so brash
so unbridled
so free
seems like things are brighter
with you around
you say my name
and I don't need anything but that
you smile as you pass me by
and dissolve so much
and I'd feel so much better
if you'd come hurtling through my skylight
like a meteor
with beautiful eyes
and a smile that dissolves so much


one way street

 everyone thinks I'm your one way street
sometimes I wish they were right
seems like me without you in incomplete
but you never think of me at night
there's so many things I just can't touch
so many times you just won't let me in
there's those moments when I miss you so damn much
my faith in you is wearing thin
can't your image just let me be?
I can't stop thinking of you
it hurts so bad cause you don't think of me
but somehow the feeling grew
there was something about you the first time we met
something that seemed so real
those are the things I can't forget
this is how you make me feel
so much weight of anger I'm about to cry
can't I just be your one way street?
a part of me slowly begins to die
me without you is incomplete


asylum

 I think there comes a time
when everyone has just about had enough
maybe I should just give up
your oblivion washes me away
and I pull the morning through the silence
can't this just be a fairy tale?
feels like nothing could be happily ever after
but if you'd just try
I turn off the television that is you
and retire to the pen and paper that is me
everyone wants what they can't have
but we all have different reasons for that
I feel so stifled
everything just feels so wrong
the only sanity
in the asylum
but I'm the real lunatic
night breaks my silence
and there's no peace for this tired soul


tempt

 keep your distance
I tempt temptation
you tempt me
and you just step back
cause I don't need you
and you don't belong with me
you're my grey area
just walk away
but promise you won't leave
and don't look at me like that
cause I don't need any more of you and your looks
just don't come near me
stay where you are
my grey area


judge

 the anger
I just can't express
in so many words
the loneliness I feel
when I seem surrounded
the things you don't try to understand
you judge me
things come out wrong
you know it too
and if you'd just shut up
and think for a minute or two
things might be a little different
so don't try to take advantage of me
back off of the things you don't comprehend
then either love me
or leave me alone


I don't care

 everything bad seems to come out in you
when I walk into the room
everything ugly in you
is everything ugly in me
you live your life
and continue to hurt me
and perhaps you're not as oblivious
as I'd like you to be
it's aggravating
how every facet of you
lacks simplicity
and flatly contradicts
every facet of me
and I think I don't need you any more
or at least I would like to convince myself of that
I'm on my feet
I dust myself off
slide you away
everything bad seems to come out in you
when I walk into the room
and I just...don't care


letting the anger sleep

 starving
suffering those lonely nights
just being so alone
feeling like I'm by myself
dying
part of me slips away
I'm falling
and no one's there to catch me
fickle
you change your mind
each different decision
stabs deeper
crying
3 a.m. on a Sunday
doesn't get much worse than this
the room has never felt so empty
oblivion
grin and bear it
separate me from myself
let the anger sleep


shades of blue

 I see everything in shades of blue
so melancholy
everything looks so tender
and I stand in the rain
where I can let myself breathe
staring up at the sky
dreams seem so...possible
suddenly things are beautiful again
and I'm not on my knees any more
as morning breaks the silent sky
I still stand
you just can't crumble me
me and my shades of blue


leave

 walk away
please
just leave
you cause me too much sorrow
by just being here
just turn
walk away
please just give me space
don't look at me
you're eyes are too deceiving
and you've hurt me too much
no, don't speak
I can't talk about this
please just walk away
run if you have to
just leave


bend

 everything just moves so fast
I reel from the pressure
for once I don't fall
I hold my ground
you can't bring me down
no, not this time
impotent evil
I don't bend anymore
so let me be
sulk off into your blackness
you can't touch me


crash

 I can't see your eyes
and I just wish I could tell what you're thinking
and can't you just... let me know?
just look at me and melt
cause that's what happens to me
and sometimes when I can't decide
you give me that look
and I crash into you
without even thinking
and I feel...so free
and couldn't you just give me a hint?
I get the feeling you know me better than I know myself
and I get so confused
cause you say the most beautiful things
at exactly the right time
all this when I try to get away
but you hold me back effortlessly
so I crash into you
without even thinking
and I feel... so free


guilty

 we're guilty
you and your vacant expectations
me and my shackled desires
we stifle each other with sacrifice
and yet we still rewind
warily I ignite all your wilted neglect
and somehow we're still guilty
your rain of stone batters my hesitation
this isn't fear
no, not any more
this is a new demon
this is something we never contemplated
so walk with me
hand in trembling hand
we're guilty


linger

 hush
don't say a word
and just let your silence float to me
let's just linger here
in this feeling I can't seem to describe
and let me inhale you
cause there's just those nights I wake up unable to breathe
and don't say a word
just kiss my forehead
and look at me the way you always have
and all I ask...is for you to just... exist
just let me absorb your warmth
don't speak
your silence expresses everything
so...let's just linger here
in this feeling I can't seem to describe


the exception

 seems like you hold back nothing
except maybe with me
was there ever a time when you looked at me the way you do other girls?
what makes me so different?
seems like we never get anywhere
and there's so many questions
and there's so much you just won't tell me
it hurts so bad when your eyes get all glassy
and you just won't let me in
seems as though I've had a lifetime of lonely nights
with no sweet memories to keep me warm
seems like there's so much missing
and so many things I just can't touch
the one thing I know I can't have
and you just have to be so damn perfect
but I won't cry over you
no
too many tears lately
and I just feel so alone
seems like you hold back nothing
except...maybe with me


the hallway

 the walls are white
they seem to be endless
the hallway is narrow
the key is clutched tightly in trembling fingers
the doors too foreboding to open
certain things that should be left untouched
the echoes bounce off the vacant walls
of the hall where no color has ever been
calm
not the pure unbridled exuberance of color
and you seem suspended
in the midst of all this insane sanity
you run in your circles
and you shut your eyes
to close it all out
and this is where we fall
in the unknown depths of self


the same old show

 the curtain rises
the actors emerge miraculously
the same old lines
the same old story
and somehow, the same old ominous anticipation
the crumbling actors recite their well practiced lines
maybe they're not actors any more
maybe this is real?
the audience laughs in all the right places
they wallow in their sea of popcorn and delirious oblivion
one woman stands
just one
and she screams with all the humanity one person could produce
and yet the same old show
same old delirium
seems they block her out somehow
and as she collapses
the curtain falls


street light

 you look up at the flaming moon
the clouds slide across the angry sky
the wind blows cold, and thunder growls somewhere far off in the oblivion
one of those nights that's straight out of a horror story
tiny eyes appear in the bushes and goblins watch you from their ghastly hiding places
and so you run
your shoes slap the pavement
and the pale street light seems to retreat further away from you
you run...unsure of where you're going
and then the rain
the rain that pounds the sidewalk
the drops that beat angry on your back as if to prod you on
the pavement rushes at your face
somehow your legs aren't under you anymore
laying facedown on the side of the street
you breathe shallowly
and your eyes slide shut
as quickly as the clouds that rush over your head
and then there's nothing
nothing
and you're falling
falling
and the rain creates puddles around you
the street light flickers
and burns out


hang

 we could let it hang
and pass over all of this
and we could just leave the things we can't explain
to hide away in the silence
cause you know I could fall asleep in his arms
so maybe we should just...let it hang
and dangle from the edge of what beast we created
and don't let me sink deeper
into the depths of myself
the places in my being I didn't want to know about
please...just let it hang
and let me just sit here for a while
try to sort it out
let the untied fragments splatter on the table
along with my tears
and you make me feel so damn mean
can't we...just...let it hang?


10-story window

 twilight tiptoes into the room
seems as though the darkness in my soul
escaped through my fingertips
and into the room
making everything look a little more melancholy
I turn on the lamp
but my darkness persists
forget the light
things look too different when it's on
and I drown in my inadequacies
and I choke on my thoughts as they go down
my hand hovers over the ominous "self destruct" button
I jump off the cliff
out of the plane
off the side of the ship
out of the 10-story window
and I fall
you let go of me
gently
I fade


buy my heart

 they're lying
I'm crying
we're dying
every move we make
so death defying
you make me love you
without even trying
with your smile
my heart you're buying
we lean on eachother
on you I'm relying
all the loose ends
desperately need tying
they're lying
I'm crying
we're dying
you make me love you
without even trying


steel trap

 your fist raised in mindless defiance
screaming into my placid face
as if it would change me
as if I'd be profoundly moved by your angry and ignorant rants
your mind is like a steel trap
closed
a rut so deep
you're violent
death
war
prejudice
persecution
hatred
your eyes project how much I perplex you in your own realm
I'm not what you think
I straddle the line of your "right" and your "wrong"
though your angry glances say I'm the root of all that's evil
I thrash your mechanical stereotype
and you hate me
point proven
you fall into your own trap


fade

 and you fade
like the moon into the depths of the clouds
and the sunlight behind the endless horizon
the thunder that rumbles
and shakes the window pane
my hand pressed against the shaking window
the angry rain bounces off the glass
like pebbles thrown by a child
and I grasp at you
but some how you're as illusive as the butterfly
that takes off as soon as you reach for its wings
and don't you fade away
no don't you slip away
I can't let you


return of me

 every word
stings like an ominous needle
and you inject you anger into me
and my blood flows
with all your contradictions
and finally I crumble
my pieces hit the floor
and their silence as they crash to the ground
is some how deafening
and all I need is something to hold on to
but you let me fall
you let me collapse on myself
and your silhouette casts itself across the remnants of my fallen self
you've reduced me
but I won't go down so easy
no
I won't turn away so fast
you sit and you wait
the return of me


be

 and your warmth
fills me until I feel complete
and I fall
into the depths of your arms
and it's one of those days when I wish I could curl up and fall asleep inside you
and in my solemn slumber
I would feel you loving me
I would feel every little breath you'd take
and we'd breathe as one
and I could stay forever in your warm embrace
and there'd always be you
sometimes that's all I need
for you to just be
you cradle my head
and the angry tears streak my face
my strained sobs are soothed by the sound of your voice
you run your fingers through my hair
and suddenly everything is silent
and in this sweet silence that seems to hold more than any words could ever express
you hold me
and your warmth fills me
until I feel complete


breathe

 breathe
I let it drag me down
overwhelming
over powering
just breathe
a burden
pulls me down
I sink
inhale
a trembling breath
shut my eyes
the pain surges through me
exhale
my lungs feel like they'll explode
into a thousand tiny pieces
oblivion
the tears rush down my face
fear
wondering if I'll be ok
I can't I can't
slowly slipping away
just breathe


I am

 restraining rage
courting hatred
I am anger
I scream with all my agony
I cry with all my fears
I am love
the coldness of your face
tears at me with vengeance
I am confusion
steel gazes penetrate
walking open wound
I am pain
shells of memories
things left untouched
I am softness
something you never bothered to understand
jealously runs amok
I am bleeding
stabbed
again
again
again
I am sick of it!
restraining rage
courting hatred


screamer

 blindly stalking your fears
the ones you could never turn and face
you let this blanket of lies settle over you
you suffocate
burn my flesh
and expect all to be well
resurrection of dusty grudges
who rear up in anger unforsaken
unforgotten
unforgiven
night does not fall
it dives in
brash and unbridled
as if to spite us all
I stare into your placid eyes
was there ever darkness there?
I pound the barriers
until my knuckles bleed in vain
externally quiet
internally screaming


beautiful

 you're beautiful...
seems like nothing could take away from your smile
just like I'm the only girl in the world
the way you look at me... you leave me breathless
you make me feel like I could love no other
and you're beautiful
indescribable...
feeling this way makes me happier than I could have fathomed
the way I know you love me... I don't have to question anymore
and you're beautiful


this place

 smiling through the pain
they never see me strain
despite everything I've tried to be
I think in the end, I'm still just me
so let me stay in this place
and let me see the softness in your face
you don't have to say you love me
it's something I know, something I already see
you are my everything, that's something you already knew
you're always here to see me through
you're the only one loves me for me
and not everything they want me to be
and as you whisper "don't leave this place"
I see the softness in your face


rain of ashes

 ashes
they fall
their softness
remnants of something meant to be forgotten
ashes
in your soul
something cold
in the raging fire of your creation
ashes
in the tears of your crying soldiers
something empty
something swept under the rug
ashes
ashes
remnants of something meant to be forgotten


never let go

 my fingers
wound around the vague memories
my tears
falling into the open wounds
and I keep my grip
steady as ever
whitened knuckles
aching wrists
I don't let go


loser

 there's always that loser
screaming on his way down
they laugh at him
as he sinks
yeah they think they know
they think they don't need him
he yells that they'll be sorry some day
they never flinch
bombarded by his anger
indifferent to his hatred
standing in the midst of it all
looking for some flicker behind their placid faces
surrounded
but alone


drifter

 me
and
you
and
love
and
life
and
laughter
drifting away from myself


indescribable

 indescribable...
inseparable...
infinite...
me and you...
your deep green eyes...
and the sweet smell of your cologne...
always...
forever...
eternally...


raven

 inventing my tomorrows
from the ashes of my yesterdays
letting the starlight trickle through my fingers
treading through my memories
14 feet deep
and as my dreams swirl through the wind like ravens
my gravity keeps me grounded
my love lets me fly away


stolen

 while my head was turned
he stole me from myself
stone by stone
piece by piece
slowly I slip away from myself
I never looked back
I never resisted
stone by stone
piece by piece
I am his


him

 the words of the note linger in my mind
and I let my fingers run gently across its letters
as if they could take me back some how
bittersweet memories rush my brain
pondering the mistakes I shouldn't have made
brooding over how I know I can't fix it
his dreamy eyes
his endearing smile
his hand firmly in mine
the way he held me as if he'd never let me go
oh how painfully vivid
his head resting in my lap
looking up at me with those endless eyes
grinning and playfully biting my fingers
but...not...any...more
I grit my teeth and wish it didn't have to be this way
I'd give anything to have that year back
to replace the anguish of regret with the rose colored delirium of pleasure


the shadows

 night
soft hours that roll past the clock
and across my finger-tips
the shadows emerge from their sweet oblivion
they dart and flicker
almost like fire
the room is so still I can hear my heart beat
and the shadows play
begging me to join them
and the sleep that is only an illusion
does not worry me when I dance to the music of my own heart-beat


the pod people

 my shell
it cracks when no one's looking
I try to laugh, but I know it sounds hollow
it seems everyone changes when it's the most painful
like pod people
even me
my shell
it cracks
it cracks while they turn their heads
they look away
they don't see my anger as it trickles through the cracks
it hides away during daylight
it hides so they never see
or maybe they hide it from themselves
and the anger prowls like a wild cat and attacks me when I'm alone
alone


stoneface

 my knees feel weak
my face of stone gently begins to crack
I don't wanna cry
I let myself sit and try to hold it in
I hold my breath and try to think of something else
I glance your way
my face of stone crumbles
and as the broken stones plummet to the ground
they are closely followed by my tears
the tears I can't hold inside any longer
blurry figures and familiar voices ask me what's wrong
I can't speak
words seem to make things final
I take a deep breath and gather the stones
I wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt
I force a smile and even a laugh
but it sounds hollow
one last hug and I hold back those tears
I'll miss you


emptiness

 sitting there next to you
holding your hand like we always do
but there's something not quite right
I get the feeling we need to talk about this tonight
it's weird... sometimes when we kiss
there's still something gone, something I miss
I don't remember ever feeling this way
so empty... there's something I hafta say
but I hold it in cause I don't want to hurt you
and I think maybe, just maybe, we'll make it through
even though I see nothing behind your eyes
I can see right through all your lies
but I hold back cause I still care
and lurking in the depths of our souls, maybe there is something there
something that's been there all along
and maybe we'll come back twice as strong
sitting there quietly next to you
I hold your hand like I always do
I give your hand a gentle squeeze
I'll stay with it for now, I won't leave


claustrophobia

 I want to run
run away from it all
hide away somewhere where it couldn't get me
the walls are closing in
claustrophobia
it approaches slowly
I pound the walls with fists of fear
I cry with tears of anger
crouched in the corner
apprehension of what's to come
claustrophobia
in this room
where your laughter once echoed
where my loneliness consumes me
and tears at my heart like a ravenous wolf
claustrophobia
and as the tears sting my eyes
and the sunlight crashes through the window
my anger lurks in the depths of my mind
waiting
claustrophobia
I turn to run
to flee from the hatred
but my eyes are met with the inevitable wall
the walls are closing in
claustrophobia


the first time

 it's hard to remember now
the first time I felt this way
the first time I felt like I was losing something
the first time it hit me I was losing you somehow
but I can remember
the first time I realized I needed you
the first time I knew I'd give up anything
the first time I knew I couldn't live with out you
but maybe I could go one breathing each day with out you around
maybe
but I'm afraid to try
when you mumbled something about how many days you have left
I looked into your eyes and said "I'll miss you"
and somehow I already feel like you're gone
you gave me a hug and I wanted to cry
but I didn't because you always said crying doesn't help anything
and you're right
seems like you always are
but I'm cryin' now
and it isn't the first time


somehow

somehow, the silence between us speaks louder than any words ever could
and it seems that we've been chasing our tails our whole lives
afraid of the future
running from the past
I don't want to let you go
I can't
and somehow, I don't fully understand
all of what I'm about to go through
but I do know I need you
more than ever now
more than you'll ever know
somehow, the silence between us speaks louder than any words ever could