April - July 2001





blue/black

your ashen face
stark and cold
pale in the dappled light
I wish I knew the reasons why
your blue eyes seem so black
I should let you go
you never believed in anything anyway
there is something so bare
about the way your eyes get when you cry
you know you feign your innocence
do you feign me as well?
your head hung in shame
your demons brandish your secrets
they assail you
fail you
I met you in your greying supulcher
you should let me go, you know
you never believed in me anyway


bareknuckled

the moment was vague
you fell out of me
and into the whatever
it's odd to accept
that awful submission
and it makes me wonder
if anyone has ever wanted you
tears you shed like acid
stained my shirt
stained my soul
tainted your eyes
destroyed a piece of you
I collected your fragments
that were scattered in crazy light
on my floor
and I refuse to bear the shame
no one knows the courage it takes
to put up your fists
and fight


all of you

you were never mine
not really
not all of you
you say they taught you everything
but you only know how to hide
and you know it's you I seek
I'm tired of these games
you save all those beautiful smiles
for everyone but me
you leave me bearing your load
how convenient
but I need more than that
I need all of you
I need your smile
I need your sorrow
I need the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh
but you were never really mine...


perfectly broken

laying cold in the dark
sobbing like a broken child
there has always been something amiss
my demons have come out to play again
and I'm just hoping
that I can keep me from myself
somehow there is strength
a void slowly dissipating
my body trembles
racked with heavy sobs
my eyes are squeezed shut
I don't want to see myself like this
so lay me down
let me hear your voice as I sail away
laying warm with you in the dark
sleeping like a perfect woman


wrath

 silent tortured soul
weak shivering coward
tolerating the sour fork-tongues
the hateful acid words
I will rise
from the depths of a personal hell
souls will tremble
destruction will follow in my hypergolic wake
cracks will grow in the ground
and race eachother through the flames
my wrath is one of steel
fists raised, a battle cry
a thousand echoed voices in one solid scream
the earth will shake
the blazing sky will crumble
I am not a coward
I will not tolerate
I am not a silent soul
I am anger, rage, fire, fear
I am...
Onus


aftermath

this seems to be the point
where the shadows of death
depart from my life
no scars to tell the tales
I throw my ashes to the wind
bidding farewell to my own jaded apparition
one thousand hands to wipe the tears
the aftermath of the hurricane
and I can feel the ground again
somehow I am safe
no longer running from the stranger
staring back at me in the mirror
no longer afraid of my own eyes
and all I know is I need your hands
a passive way of loving me


in dreams

I rest my bloodshot, sleep evaded eyes
in my dreams
the world comes crashing down
and I swear I saw you dancin'
hiding in the hollows
of this place that has been stripped of innocence
my soul quivers at the thought
things seem to ignite spontaneously
and from their ashes
my eyes do weep
and in my dreams
the walls combust
and scatter like so many autumn leaves
and there you were
a flower in the blackened ruins
I swear...I saw you dancin'
and the sun will rise
the spiders on my doorstep will hide away
and there you'll be
standing on the lawn covered in dew
I swear...I saw you dancin'


dirty

I woke up this morning broken
feeling used and...old somehow
sitting on the edge of the bed
with my head in my hands
refusing to cry
something inside me wilting
somewhere along the way I let you let me go
can't you see me falling?
what did I do to deserve this?
laying in the floor
bound by something inexplicable
torn by something all too real
nothing's fine anymore
it's 5 a.m. and sleep has eluded me
everything just looks so dirty
staring into the ashes
the fire leaping in my solemn eyes
silent tears glistening
push me, dirty me up
leave me on the floor
a trembling pile of flesh, bones, salt, and violence
leave me here
broken, dirty, and used


lonely's face: personified

she's angry
you can see it her face
she teeters between moods
so fragile
an addict
deprived
departed
disillusioned
she can't describe what she feels like
it's awfully hard to describe nothing
she clings to the scraps of her self control
trying to keep from breaking things
from breaking herself
she's hurting
her face seems to tell it all
she is the personification of so many lonely tales
she's falling
but she's not going anywhere
7 in the morning and she hasn't slept
her eyes wide and motionless on the pillow
she'll drift away
the birds greeting the morning
she drifts away
sleeping
you can tell she's sad
her silent somber face makes it obvious


insomnimaniac

insomnimaniac
wondering why I'm so lonely
the night that seems to use me up
out of body
run, insomnimaniac, run
light me up
watch me burn
use me till I fall apart
then leave me on the floor
for the disgruntled custodian to take care of
his wife is gone
his kids are bad
his life is a pile of burning leaves
and he sweeps me off the floor
insomnimaniac
sliding across the cold ground
diving into those unknown pools of sorrow
losing control
breaking
insomnimaniac
light me up
and watch me fly


torches

torches
lighting the way
their flames dance like so many children
they never go out
torches
illuminating the somber faces of so many lost souls
flickering against their melancholy eyes
everlasting
torches
burning the fools that meander too near
stealing their breath
what makes them burn?
torches
everything looks so dismal
I know what fuels them
they leave me used up and angry on the floor
they burn
the torches
their fuel
their life
they prey
on innocence


shiver

she can't remember what day it is
it's 2 a.m.
that's all she's sure of
she woke up shivering
scared, on the floor of a bus
the road bumping somewhere below her
she pulls her blanket up over her chest
and she can't remember where she came from
the floor is hard
and her shoulder blades hurt
she can't remember ever being this cold
for a fleeting moment
she doesn't know where she's going
or when she's supposed to be there
or if this place was worth the trip
and if sleep was really worth
freezing on the hard floor for
she's not sure
she stands to peer out the window
wintry barb wire fences rush by
she wonders if the bus driver is speeding
she searches for a seat
she pulls her blanket tight around her shivering shoulders
trying to remember what it's like to be warm
she can't remember...
it's 2 a.m.
that's all she's sure of


mockingbirds

there used to be a goddess
living in the window pane
there used to be a tree
atop a hill
near a creek
there used be a child
a mere streak across the dew
there used to be mockingbirds
the window shatters
prodded by rain and tears and violence
a tree is conquered
it fades slowly
its red and orange autumn leaves
scattering to the water of the concrete creek
a child becomes a woman
struggling to remember the dew
and how I miss the mockingbirds
wondering where they've gone
wondering where I've gone
and things are just so empty
cause there used to be a goddess
but she's shattered on the floor
a mere streak
across the memories of the dew


go

I wake up feeling cold
like I'd been sleeping on the floor of a bus in winter
I'm not sure where I am anyway
and I don't know who I'll be today
it takes me a while to realize I'm at home
the sheets are wadded up at the foot of the bed
last night was restless
I get up and stumble out into the hallway
I walk barefoot out the front door
I've woken up too late again
standing in my boxers in the wet grass
I wish I could just...go
just be anywhere but where I am
and I don't think I've ever felt this old
maybe I should just... go


pulse

awkward lonely nights
trudging through the hateful sunlight
wishing things could just slow down
sometimes I wake up somebody else
and sometimes I wish I didn't have to
people change
things fall apart
too much passes me by
sometimes I think I feel it
sometimes I wonder if I can
and more often than not, my own pulse scares me
things change
people fall apart
and maybe I could try to wake up as myself


verdict

even though your lips touched mine
you are beyond my grasp
there are fleeting moments
that I feel like I'm barely breathing
and I wonder if I made you happy
I'm not sure how much I'd give up
if I could just be in your arms
you made me believe
in the fire that became me
and I don't believe in much anymore
I hated to watch you leave
and I know if it were up to me
eternity would be a hammock
thus, I am guilty as charged
guilty of loving you
guilty of wanting you
guilty of missing you
guilty as anyone wants me to be
what's the verdict?


palace

looking across the ruins
of all my broken palaces
I wonder what I'd give
for just one night with you
I know that I would fight for you
somehow I feel I'm right for you
with my head in my hands
I try to just breathe
remember how to laugh
cause you know I cry for you
I don't need to know why from you
there are things I would defy for you
I close my eyes
and go on missing your hands
trying to forget the light
cause I'm not sure what you feel for me
this is all too real for me
and there's so much you could heal in me
I breathe slowly
reliving your eyes
hoping you're not another broken palace


cheated

it's sad really
how you worship the things you hide behind
the things that make you dumb
the things that make you forget
the things that make you anything but you
I feel so cheated sometimes
like I'm not good enough for the real you
the you that you keep locked away in the medicine cabinet
sure, you go visit yourself occasionally
it's nice to visit
but wouldn't you rather live there?
you don't have to hide behind this wall of "supposed to be"
it's just me
just the me you've always known
and I suppose it's up to you
take me as I am
and let me return the favor


broken wings

broken wings
learn to fly
fall asleep in the angry rain
the tears of winter
wrapped in a sigh
silent resentment
the sound of crushed leaves
the smell of fire
as it burns across your memories
a final deception
fashion show suicide
whatever lights a match in you


paradise

the simplicity of paradise
as fleeting as your lips brushing mine
as permanent as what passed between my eyes and yours
and it seems you melted into me
I'm missing the way your hands felt
I still hear your voice
swaying like a hammock in the summer breeze
I'm still trying to collect
everything we jarred loose when we fell into eachother
the rhyme of your seduction
the reason of my consumption
whatever we hid in that twisted napkin
and I'm missing you
like I miss the oleanders in winter
cause sometimes there's just no use in telling our sad stories
and I still feel you
whispering in my ear
and it seems you melted into me


porcelain doll

 porcelain doll
high on her pristine shelf
the layers of dust gathering
the years so unkind
beautiful but so fake
so glassy and unreal
so dead
imperfection of perfection
unfeeling
untrusting
haunting beautiful ugly eyes
porcelain doll
ice, melting on her pristine shelf


rip

 change me
rip me
tear me down
make me forget myself
go on and take a shot
wreck me
you know you want this
make me bad
make me beautiful
but make me something real
so go ahead
and rip me
I know you lose sleep over it
go on
make me bad


remember

 close your eyes
remember the how it felt
to laugh until we cried
remember the way
we didn't even have to speak
and the warmth
that's now so far from your fingertips
and remember how
I wouldn't let you avoid my eyes
starched pink roses
and the smell of burning wood
recall the way you loved me
face the pale apparition
the widening space between your hand and mine
close your eyes
remember me


ugly

 with trembling hands
and wild eyes
it seems I've been purged
by my own fears
and I feel so ugly sometimes
cause there comes a point
when there's just nothing to go home to
and even if there was
maybe it's not worth the trip
and I wonder how many people
have just winced and turned away
and then I realize
I don't really want to know
so I light another candle inside
to sit and burn
but when the real fire breaks
there's nothing to hold onto
and I just feel... so ugly


nameless

another vague disappointment
something else to hide behind
of course it's nothing
it always is
like a dark dungeon
dank and grey
lonely souls that echo against the thick walls
the futile bars
so confining
leaving so much left to be desired
and so much left unspoken
and I think it scares me sometimes
but a smile is a smile
no matter what hides behind it


steam

 the water streams down
my hair isn't even wet yet
and I start to cry
the warm water stings the cuts
washes away the infamous dried blood
leaving only ridges of red skin
and I wonder if they'll scar
standing there watching the steam rise over the shower curtain
I wonder if it's possible to die of loneliness
slowly I wash all the sweat and tears and violence off of my skin
I pick up the razor
hoping I can shave without breaking any promises
I turn off the water
and I'm surprise to hear my own strained sobs
I step out, still dripping
my tears mingling with the water that trickles down from my hair
I dry off and kick the t-shirt and black bra aside on my way out
and I'm glad I can't find myself in the steam
sitting now, calm but red-eyed
I wonder how to escape
cause no one here understands
and so I sleep
to be rocked by my harrowing dreams
still looking for an escape
a way to lose myself in the steam


charred roses

 alone in the twilight
with a fistful of charred roses
the gentle voices rustling past
the floor is made of brittle bones
so fragile
fleet-footed time skitters past the clock
and it seems I've lost my rhythm
scattered words kept behind a glass smile
the future greys, its color fades
as it lounges in my living room
I guess she finally hit the wall
I don't want to be her reason why
she's just an aging drama queen
you never know how many lives you take
and there's always stories to tell
I suppose she thought I was listening
my scream echoes in the crevices of lost souls
alone in the twilight
with a fistful of charred roses


autumn child

 I recall the dew
the way the falling leaves looked
the brash auburn rain
the autumn air that brought the mockingbirds
the little red swing that dangled from a high branch
that gave me wings to fly away
the smell of the fresh cut grass
the way the wind felt as it brushed its fingers through my hair
the old willow was perilous, yet majestic
such power, such beauty
even that was defeated
I remember running through the cold mornings
the laughter that resided there
the echoes of my life
I remember...


tragedy

 words that don't penetrate
futile
the pain I keep hidden from you
the thoughts that dissolve
as soon as they escape
and I love you too much
for you to become just another tragedy
just another sad statistic
you don't have to hide
behind that wall of succumbed temptations
or maybe you do
maybe you're too deep
too far gone
either way, tomorrow's going to hurt
please, just take my hand
and let me lead you away from your oblivion
cause I love you way too much
to let you become just another tragedy


reaching for the fan blades

darkness
hunting illusive sleep
attempting to capture it in a plastic cup
but it keeps drifting behind the shelves
lonely
fingers outstretched
reaching for the fan blades
unable to relax
painful
my sore, throbbing limbs
still stiff
incapable of movement
silence
but I wish I could scream
stifled by what I can't touch
my outstretched fingers reaching for the fan blades


inside

 and I feel you
callin' me from someplace I could never reach
and it hurts
inside
cause I know I could never get that far
and was there ever a time when you needed me
as much as I need you right now
and it hurts
inside
cause I know I could never get that far
and I'm tired
cause I'm tryin' so damn hard
to feel the thing you won't let me feel
and it hurts
inside
cause I know I could never get that far
and you're trying your best to beat me down
to sabotage me
and I can't help but defy your jealousy
and I feel you
callin' me from someplace I could never reach
and it hurts
inside
cause I know I could never get that far


misconceptions

 dark in light
life in death
and everything in between
gravity defiance
no one knows that misconceptions breathe
reality and insanity go hand in hand
they hate her cause she refuses to hide her face
mechanical loathing
implanted reflex
infliction of the worst kind of pain
blind hangman
no one knows how much misconceptions bleed


color me inexplicable

 contradiction flows like wine
you could have said you were sorry
you shouldn't waste any perfectly good lies on me
and you know it's been a while since my last addiction
I defy your belligerence
all my little secrets attack me while I sleep
and sometimes I set my demons free
I would run away
but I'm not willing to risk the side effects
I perplex you
so misconstrue me
and color me inexplicable


salt trails

 pain lingers like the salt on my flushed cheeks
and emptiness fills me
I'm so incomplete, it's beyond my articulation
I feel myself breaking
a dying flame
my embers becoming cold
I wish we could run away
and you could make me whole
cause no one understands me like you do
but, alas, my cheeks flush like that of a child
and pain lingers like the salt from the trails of my tears


lapse

 I lapse in and out of consciousness
the bruises make a patternless design across my chest
sometimes I lose feeling in my hands
I guess I shouldn't always play the fool
I leave everything behind me
running faster than anyone would bother to chase me
there's so much I need to feel
so many times I shouldn't have cried
and as I fall to my knees
I scream
and lapse out of consciousness


black satin cloth

 it's been way too long since you even attempted a smile
maybe if I dressed my sympathy
in black satin cloth
you'd try a little harder to be free
and perhaps if I didn't hide my shadows
your eyes wouldn't burn with thoughtless hatred
but my shadows are too timid
to emerge any time except night
and it seems everything is spoken so harshly
so my archaic language is misunderstood
sad how love is so unwelcome
in this place where only hatred resides
and jealousy attacks us at random


mechanical plotting

 the walls breathe
and flicker with ominous life
metal shrieking
blank staring eyes
mechanical plotting
everything electrified
robotic pleasures
kinetic short circuit
angelic scraping
I long for something real


smoke

 burn holes in your plaster smile
I am your fire
my smoke does not clear
butcher the furniture
chase away the ghosts of past love
mindless destruction
the toxin seeps from your skin
I escape your explosions
with faltering insecure steps
I am a walking hyperbole


clownface

 your hands flicker
and conjure your perfection
my soul is quicker
there is no protection
you wear your clownface
I wear my apathy
your smile leaves a bitter taste
my anger becomes a part of me
I know I will bury you
and the convenience of your impending tears
you feel the things that I see through
and I've played on all your fears
I burn your cold eyes
With my mocking smile
I've memorized all your lies
there is no room for denial
despite the things you know I feel
you think you don't have to surrender
you tell yourself this isn't real
but I will give you something to remember


two fools and a mistake

 a child
born of two fools
and a mistake
too large for the intended unintended clothes
the child is not a bastard
no, but as close as one could get
maybe it oughta be
because it will spend the rest of its life
questioning existence
questioning intention
created as a scapegoat
meant to play the fool, if nothing less
a child among giants
a dandelion among wild flowers
no, the child is not a bastard
not illegitimate
and the whispers that flow from the other side of the mirror
remind the child of that
not a bastard
not illegitimate


untitled

 how did we end up here?
how did this become me against you?
seems like we skipped a few steps
between then and now
and there's so much I could say
and it seems like our silence doesn't speak the things we can't articulate anymore
I recall your warmth
I wake up at night with your smell lingering faintly above my head
how did things end up like this?
how did your smile become so foreign?
but there's something left
that keeps me clinging to the memories of your laughter
and for now I'll just fall asleep
and let my dreams take me away
but I know I'll wake up in the morning
with your smell intertwining with the light that streams through my shutters


farce

 blood trickles aimlessly across my fingers
the predator comes softly
my imminent fate is ubiquitous
I will be purged
but fear at this moment seems arbitrary
my insecurities make a farce of me
the predator lurks with lithe movements
with wounded hands
I conjure your piteous defeat
I think you often overlook
the fact that I am a connoisseur of laughter
I make a farce of you
the confounded predator ambles away


dive

 I recall his warmth
something not spoken
the darkness
the way the street light played across his face
his smooth features
the way he smiled
the way he smelled
the words that were only meant for me
my lips quivered as they found him
kept him
softly, slowly
somehow his kiss was cold
but the warmth between us spiraled into the darkness that embraced us both
his voice
low, enticing
my own, as if I had separated from it
the light now
somehow cruel and unforgiving
the memories
of our dive into innocence


maybe she weeps

 I wonder if she notices my worried glances
if she knows the things I don't say
from her eyes I can't tell if she's lying or not
and it's odd how I can smell her when she's near
sweet and distinct
just like she is
a flower among so many weeds
I want to shield her from the things that lay ominous in her path
I can't fight that sense of foreboding
the world is ugly
it isn't good enough for her
but I never see the bruises
and on nights when the wind blows cold
maybe she weeps
maybe she weeps


better off without me

 when I turned my head
you walked away from me
leaving me standing here
alone in this place where only darkness resides
you say you're happy
you say you're having fun
but I don't want you to be better off without me
the memories float away
tears seems to ooze from the walls
and anger seeps through the cracks in ceiling
and I just stand here
even though the floor is crumbling
tiny destructive demon
lord of chaos
and I just don't want you to be better off without me
the smell of crushed roses
the remains of the softness of your skin
the pale glint of your eyes
I could build you out of wax
and keep you in my room
but there would still be that feeling
I just don't want you to be better off without me


believe

 it seems most people have been bled of all faith
and the fate we choose is forbidden
I inhale the darkness
and wash away the layers of hate
that have settled on my skin
all this static muffled silence
makes me shudder
because we lost traction somewhere between there and here
and I suppose I could add these yellowed bruises
to the list of my diseases
but believe in me
cause there's no normalcy to return to
and there is no perfection
unless you can overlook some flaws


excuses

 tell me again
how you're sorry about the way we ended up
about all the hurtful things you did
about the things you pushed me into
and would you mind repeating
all your excuses
all your reasons why
all the times you cried
and don't be surprised
if the look on my face pushes you away
if my words seem cold and unforgiving
but tell me again
cause I don't think I heard you right the first time


purloined

 as the day dissolves into night
gently
I am purloined
I am taken to a pluvious land of my own creation
I sigh in the wind that gently moves my hair
my temptations become me
succumb me
I hold my hands up to the blazing sky
the ground begins to tremor
flames lick at my feet
I live in my own hypergolic penumbra
I am... purloined
I think everyone has their own private hell


carry me home

 I am a child
I am a woman
swirling into the unknown behind my eyes
memories reach from the oblivion
caress my hands
and drift away
I am free
I am shackled
a scream that trails up high into the night sky
the cold breeze
that cleanses me
so I spread my wings and fly
I am familiar
I am foreign
my life echoes from 300 miles away
my love grows with the northern sky
my smiles are deceiving, friend
but my tears are too raw to hide
I am love
I am hate
the warmth that was shunned
pressed against the apathetic cold
I am defeated
by your walls of ice
I am alive
I am dead
my breath escapes me sometimes
things seem to wilt
I fall
I choke
and I feel your hands on my hips
here to carry me home
where it doesn't matter what I am


clock

 remorse
the words that flow
that escape before I can catch them
I know it hurts you
I feel that much
your eyes reveal more than you know
seems like we both cling to our addictions
I know there is no taking back the things I said
the clock on the wall drives me slowly insane
its serene menacing tick
another second of me hurting you
and I don't know whether to bash the clock
or crumple to the floor
but for what it's worth
I'm sorry


me and you

 dusk
the lights go out
another night of me and you
always
the warmth within the seemingly ubiquitous cold
the changes you don't mind
the parts of me you know better than I do
something or nothing
but always so much
forbidden
another fight to be with you
another night to be with you
deafening silence
only words
this is ours
not theirs
no one else can claim this
and it was always you and me
always...


nightengale

 fluttering effortlessly
through the dusk fog
to linger until dawn explodes across the sky of ink
to make the sharp-toothed demons skuttle away
you with your silken gossamer wings
created by spiders
the essence of the morning's dew
you spread your rose-tipped fingers
and although your lips move not
your whisper rustles deep within my ears
"fear not, child, for there is always someone that loves you"
and with that, you fly away
as delicate as the sigh of spring
singer of the dusk